


All my fault

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Death, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Niall is dead, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, my failed attempt at angst yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9424910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: niall is dead, and it's all harry's fault





	

Hello. My name is Harry Styles, and I murdered my boyfriend.

Not on purpose, of course. I would never intentionally harm the person who made my world light up, and who put a smile on my face. 

However, the damage is done. It doesn't matter if I killed him on purpose or on an accident, because at the end of the day, Niall James Horan is 6 feet underground, and I'm the cause of it, and nothing will change that fact.

It's a bit ironic how he died while we were on our way to a resort, we were having a couple's vacation, that he treated us to because he loved me so much. If I could go back in time, I'd tell him to save his money. Save his money and leave me, and find someone who wouldn't be such a bloody idiot as to take their eyes off the road while they're on the highway. Find someone who wouldn't put his life in danger, maybe go back to his ex, he'd never do what I did to him. He was actually smart.

In the moment, I didn't realize that what I was doing would be effectively killing Niall, but if I knew, I wouldn't have done it, right? All I did, was look over to my right for one split second, and I can still remember Niall screaming at me to turn around because we were ramming head first into a pick up truck. Screaming at me to stop being such a fucking idiot and not endanger our lives in the name of a joke, but by the time I realized what I had done, it was too late, we had crashed, and Niall flew forward upon impact, causing trauma to his head immediately.

Niall's high pitched, straggled scream was the last sound he'd ever make.

I got hurt too, a few broken ribs and some medium trauma, but in this moment, if I had to choose, I'd rather I had died too. 

That way I wouldn't have to live with what I did. Live with the fact that I was such a shitty fiance, such a shitty boyfriend, a shitty person, as to put Niall's life on the line like that.

All because I had to tell another one of my dumb jokes. A joke that could have waited until we weren't in the middle of a fucking highway. If i had actually used my brain for once, Niall would still be alive.

I remember when I thought there was hope that Niall would make it through, he had had severe head trauma, and a bunch of broken bones, but there was essentially nothing that could be done to save him. Nothing that could be done to make him smile for me one more time. I would never see those baby blue eyes light up at me again, and I had only myself and myself only to blame.

Now that I think of it, it's better that Niall is dead. If he weren't, I would have ended up ruining his life with my stupidity sooner or later. I always knew he was too good for me. He knew it too, but he loved me anyway. He loved me regardless of the fact that I was a brain-dead piece of rubbish that makes bad decisions.

He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have loved me. Clearly not, as the fact that he loved me ended up with him being in a fucking casket. 

He had much better options than me anyway. I'm just a lowly college dropout who still works at a bakery. His boyfriend before me was a goddamn doctor for crying out loud. If I could turn back time, I'd tell him to stay with Dr. Malik, and leave me, the dirty, poor guy with shit for brains alone.

That would have been a better option for all of us, because then, Niall would still be alive and breathing. It'd hurt to see him with another man, but it'd be better for him, and for me as well. He'd be alive, with his rich, doctor boyfriend, and I wouldn't be costing someone their life.

Actually, the better option here would for me to die too. I deserve it. I deserve it for killing the person who did nothing but try to put a smile on my face and try to make me happy. I deserve to rot in hell for eternity for all I've done to Niall's family.

I'll never forget the look on Maura's face when she found out. She didn't even cry at first. She just had this look of absolute horror on her face when she heard the news that her son was dead. Her face went ghostly pale, and then, after the news settled, she let out the most broken cry I've ever heard in my life, and it shattered my soul, and haunted me at night.

She hates me. I mean, she doesn't outright show that she hates me, but I can tell. I can tell by how cold and detached she was after she found out, hell, all of the Horan's hate my guts. I can't blame them though. If someone was responsible for your son/brother/family member dying because they were an idiot on the road, you'd hate them too, and don't even try to deny it.

I didn't go to his funeral. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I wouldn't have been able to show my face at his funeral and cry with his family, as if it wasn't my fault that he was dead in the first place. I wouldn't have been able to face the people who despise me and no doubt want me dead, because I took someone so positive, so radiant, so ethereal away from them.

I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I can't even sleep at night, and I haven't eaten anything in days. I don't deserve to. I don't deserve to have a good night's sleep, while a family is hurting because of me. A family lost a part of them, and that haunts me at night when I try to sleep. Images of Niall's mangled body comes back to me, replaying in my mind like some kind of horror slideshow every time I close my eyes. Echoes of his very last words, a scream, on a constant loop that I cannot drown out no matter how hard I try.

I wish I was the one that was dead. No one would even miss me if I were. Niall actually had people who loved him and are mourning him. Who would mourn me if I died? No one. No one at all. My family disowned me, My friend's slowly drifted away from me, and Niall is dead. And even if he were still alive, He'd be better off without me. No one would give a sliver of a fuck if I died.

No one would care if I died.

That was the last thought I had, before I turned the pistol against myself and popped myself in the back of the head.

Everything went black, and in that moment, I made the world a better place for everyone.


End file.
